In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.

THE NOMINEES:

Living on Zionist Time

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year.

At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

Wet Will He

(23 August 1999, Washington) This story sounds like an urban legend, but it's true. Rodney was jet skiing around Lake Washington, enjoying the sun and the power between his knees. Then he noticed that his battery was beginning to fail.

He idled over to a dock near Juanita Beach Park and tied up his craft, then ran to the car for his battery charger. When he returned, he plugged the charger into a 110-volt outlet, and jumped onto his watercraft while holding the booster cable. Sizzle. He was found floating facedown beneath the dock later that evening.

Dead Spitter

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

Intelligence Blunders

(13 August 1999, Manila) A deadly explosion in the Philippines' National Bureau of Investigation was initially considered to be a terrorist act. But the ensuing investigation linked the event not to criminals, but to NBI agents smoking near a bucketful of TNT. The blast killed seven people, including the perpetrator, and demolished the NBI Special Investigation Division. Several grenades also exploded in the fire. Officials are considering charging the Division Chief with criminal negligence for failing to safeguard seized explosives. The perpetrator, smoking next to a pail of explosives, wins a Darwin Award nomination.

Sleepfalling

(19 June 1999) It was a warm summer night in Amsterdam. An Italian resident was in the habit of sleeping in the open air during sweltering summer nights. This hot night, he climbed onto the roof of his apartment and arranged a comfortable bed. He fell asleep on his blanket, and then he fell to his death. Lucky we are, says a native Amsterdam resident, that our summers are often cold and rainy.

Gone Fishing

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.

The man then waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish.

THE RUNNERS-UP:

Fatal Footsie

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices.

Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard.

He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.

Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

Idiocy with military ordinance is a worldwide problem. A man from California recently acquired an old bomb which had been lost from a train which overturned while transporting explosives to a West coast naval base. Curious to look inside the device, he cut it open with an arc welder.

His subsequent demise was as rapid as the deaths of the drunken Russian Roulette players in Cambodia.

THE WINNER:

Killer Whale Rodeo

(6 July 1999, Florida) A naked man was found dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World in Orlando on Tuesday morning, a victim of drowning or hypothermia in the 55-degree water. "There were no obvious signs of trauma. He wasn't chewed or dismembered," the sheriff's office said. The body had scrapes on it, possibly signifying that the victim had been dragged along the bottom of the tank.

Is a man who swims with Orcas worthy of a Darwin Award? Insights into his bizarre history may help us decide.

He was identified as a marijuana-smoking drifter named Daniel. The South Carolina native carried a tattered Florida DMV card, and police traced the address on the card to a Hare Krishna temple in Miami.

Priest Paul Seaur provided insights into Daniel's month-long stay with the community of six worshippers. He had a great love of nature, writing in his journal and feeding wild birds in the temple garden. Daniel had difficulty adjusting to the religion's 4AM wake-up time, their dietary prohibitions, and their abstinence from liquor, drugs, sex, and gambling. He preferred to dodge work and meditate in the chapel listening to heavy metal music.

Daniel unexpectedly announced that he was taking a vow of silence, which puzzled the Hare Krishnas, since their religion does not urge its members to be silent. He left abruptly in the spring, saying, "I want to be free. I want to travel around."

Daniel left a string of petty offences throughout South Carolina, Washington, Texas and Florida. Just days before his death, he had completed a three day sentence to the Indian River County Jail for stealing a 3-Musketeers candy bar from 7-Eleven. He resumed his vow of silence in court. "The suspect could not speak," a Vero Beach officer reported, and used paper and pen to deny the charge.

Three days later, our intrepid stoner gained admittance to SeaWorld and loitered near the whale pools until 10PM closing, evading the 24-hour security. After stripping to his bathing trunks, he scaled a 3-foot plexiglas barrier, crossed a short stone wall, and climbed into Tillikum's frigid enclosure using steps ringing the 80x100-foot pool.

An employee spotted Daniel's nude form draped just below Tillikum's dorsal fin at 7:35AM. His swimming shorts were found elsewhere in the tank. Tillikum apparently tried to remove his shorts with his razor sharp teeth, the medical examiner said.

The nature lover left few clues about his state of mind when he decided to commune with a carnivore the size of a bus. A joint was found inside his pile of clothes, but no admission ticket to SeaWorld. Anonymous park workers made a surprise announcement that this was not the first time Daniel had communed with sea mammals. Two years ago, they recall that he jumped into the manatee tank, which is filled with warmer water and less offensive creatures.

Notes about Tillikum the killer whale:

The 8-year-old mammal is the largest killer whale in captivity, at 22 feet and 11,000 pounds. He was appraised at 1.5 million dollars when purchased by SeaWorld in 1991, where he joined 13 other killer whales. He was considered dangerous, as he was never trained for human contact. Biologists say he probably played with Daniel like a toy, without realizing that he was a fragile human being.

This is not his first encounter with death. Tillikum and two other whales were involved in the drowning of a trainer in Victoria, Canada in 1991. Keltie Byrne fell into the whale tank at the SeaLand Marine Park and was dragged beneath the surface to her watery demise.

Tillikum is a fecund marine predator, and the sire of four calves born during his breeding stay in Florida. In a comparison between Tillikum and Daniel, it's clear who is higher on the evolutionary scale.