Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the 'Mayflower Madam'
Never say 'Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton
Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!' -Rita Rudner
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. - Ruth Gordon
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.
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Editor's Note: Be sure to check out my blog at michaelbissell.com/blog
-- maybe not as funny as the 5,000+ jokes here, but I ramble about life, technology and other things that make
the world... nutty.