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These stories come under the heading: ''Doc! I was minding my own business when.........

KENNETT, MO - Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis in his bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His penis sustained heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called police. They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he was fine and in no need of assistance. Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection, causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could be removed without damage to it or the sink.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. ''My dog drags the thing all over the house,'' he said later. ''He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.''

The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. ''He was a real trooper during the entire episode,'' said Dr. Dennis Crobe.

''Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor.

By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.''

PORTLAND, OR - A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been distracted because his robe fell open. ''It always does that,'' he said. ''I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never do. I guess I'll get around to it now. ''He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight stay at the clinic.''

BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles.

Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.

Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. ''Chris is just plain lucky,'' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. ''Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this.''

Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

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