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Your doctor and his staff may be harmful to your health. The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by real physicians. Hmmm, suspicions confirmed...

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

* The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1995 when she got a divorce.

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* The patient worked his entire life as a grain elevator.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

* Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

* Vomiting of unknown origin.

* Admitted in error.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

* Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.

* If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.