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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. ''My wife and I are completely equal partners,'' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ''There was water in the carburetor.'' I said, ''Where's the car?'' She said, ''In the lake.'' -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck