New Barbie Dolls from MATTEL (PG)
New from MATTEL: Administrative Barbie: Works twelve hour days for little pay (70% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop and directions for the coffee machine. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.
Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini Bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, and Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Scientist Barbie. Scientist Barbie comes complete with a white lab coat, map of the human genome, pictures of fetal defects, and 2 books (Sigma catalogue, and How to lie with Statistics). HIV, Hepatitis, H Pylori, and pregnancy tests can be order from Sigma. Pull her chord to hear her say: 'Who cares if math is hard when you have a TI-85', and 'There's REALLY nothing dangerous about Radioactive materials'. Scientist Barbie drives a classic 1979 'vette......chevette, that is, because everybody knows that academia doesn't pay. Microscope, transgenic mice, and dissecting scalpel needed to undercut fellow researchers and stab collaborators in the back sold separately. Small animal surgery kit includes coupon for Dominatrix Barbie accessories.
Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, 'Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic.' Comes with a 'One Day at a Time' bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from 100% post-consumer recycled materials.
College student Barbie. Comes with backpack, birkenstocks, and t-shirt with credit card logos. College student Barbie's back is hunched over in order to hold the backpack with 10 lbs of books (sold separately). Pull the string on her back and hear her say: 'Anyone up for a game of Euchre?', and 'Don't talk to me, I have a hangover'. Comes with a list of phone numbers of classmates to call to get the notes she missed from last week's Human Development Lecture. Coming soon... College Dropout Barbie. I just thought about Not Available: Engineering Student Barbie and Ken. Package not available that's strong enough to hold ego.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the jungle.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership pamphlet on union-organizing & pay scales for women compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says, 'Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!'
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with love handles, double chin, a curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Breyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading 'Only the Weak Don't Eat', and, of course, an appetite.
Tomboy Barbie... Comes with complete jeans and Microsoft t-shirt, sneakers and backpack. Tomboy Barbies come with short or long hair (never blonde), and optional tattoo kit, car repair kit, sports equipment (basketball, baseball, and soccer equipment), pet dog Baron, and jogging outfit. Pull the cord and hear Tomboy Barbie say 'That's not fair...' or 'Just use the monkey wrench to fix that.' This Barbie has no makeup on the face and no ring holes in the fingers. Equestrian Barbie... Specially molded hips to allow legs to split and ride astride. Barbie has English, Western, and Medieval riding outfits, comes with horse Prancer, with all the tack, buckets, brushes, blankets, food, combs, lead rope, and barn equipment. Equestrian Barbie also has bag of carrots. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Easy there big guy, whoa...' and 'Oh shit.' This Barbie cannot wear any tight clothes of other barbies due to the change in hip molding. SCA Barbie Available only in dark or red hair, this Barbie (named Barbara) is dressed in the basic SCA t-tunic with options for Elizabethan, middle period, early period fop, and Scottish or Mongolian. She has pouch, belt, chair, candle and trencher. She comes with Companion Kenneth, complete in his t- tunic and leggings with boots, optional clothes include matching outfits with Barbara. Pull her string to hear her say... 'Where is Court?' 'Long live the King' and 'Let's set up camp.' Pull Kenneth's string to hear him say... 'Have some more mead, dear,' 'I accept,' and 'No, no, after you...' The Barbara doll is modified - she has flat feet, no arch, and cannot wear heels. Animal Lover Barbie This Barbie comes with washable cotton dress, leather gloves and a towel to wrap her cats in. She has four cats, two dogs, ten fish, two ferrets, and a pair of gerbils (mating pair, no less). Send coupons away to get baby gerbils (available only in lots of forty). Pet dishes, brushes, and calendars for vet visits are included. Dogs, cats, and ferrets require batteries for the motion-sensors that cause them to make noise. Barbie also comes with food bags, pooper scooper, tanks for the gerbils, and leashes for the big animals. Send away in a contest to win a free llama, sheep, goat, and horse combo for Barbie! Pull her string to hear her say... 'Ah, feeding time, my lovelies...' and 'Down boy! Sit!' and 'No, no no no no' and 'Not again...' Available only in rural areas.
Barbell Barbie Comes with neatly clipped razor cut, overly muscular body, and bottle of steroids. Dressed in 'Gold's Gym' togs, B.B. (as she prefers to be called) is ready to hit Muscle Beach at a moment's notice (Muscle Beach sold separately, Muscle Beach Ken sold separately). Pull her string and she grunts, or says 'I _never_ take steroids.' [andrea's note: please feel free to add to this! i'm pulling as blank on what kind of car she would drive. as you can see, i'm more familiar with the one below.;)]
Dominatrix Barbie Dressed in a latex jumpsuit and boots, leather gloves, and studded mask, Mistress Barbie cracks her whip. Blond hair can either be worn through the pony-tail holder in hood, or come off completely for full bald effect. Body piercings are removable and fit in any and all holes, and tattoos are moveable and replacable. Comes complete with full dungeon playpen and Slave Ken (wearing leather harness, collar, g-string, butt plug, and full hood). Pull her string and she says, 'Lick my boots, pig!' and 'You need to be disciplined.' Other available outfits and accessories: latex teddy, fetish boots, leather harness, latex harness, corsets (both leather and latex), corset dresses (both leather and latex), leather hood, latex stockings, and assorted body jewelry (including nipple and clitoral rings and barbells).
Divorce Barbie: Comes with all Ken's toys.
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Mundane Journeys through an Amazing World
begins with Interstate 80. Not the most engaging topic, I know, but when you think about it, I-80 runs all the way across the North American continent linking San Francisco and New York. It's not just a ribbon of asphalt, it's a portal to far away, almost magical places.
My visits to major cities like Tokyo, London and Washington DC have been business affairs. I haven't rode a lot of roller coasters or ridden in open air buses, but I have visited with senators, bought yams from the back of a truck and barely escaped complete embarrassment when I was introduced to Matt Wiener in Vegas.
As I wrote the book I realized that over the years exotic, distant places have become more like the mundane places I've called home. But, as it turns out, there really aren't any mundane places, only mundane ways of looking at things.
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